There's Still Time To Start The Future
Today I sat down with C.T. as he ate his lunch. We laughed about how a co-worker referred to me as his "dad," partly because I always seemed to show up with an extra burger or sandwich or whatever, when he didn't have money for lunch. Being the average eighteen year old boy, with too big an appetite and too little money, he always seemed to think that whatever I had an extra of, was just what he had been craving that day for lunch.
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I have been asking myself why I wanted to make sure that this overgrown kid, who was sometimes lazy, most of the time, bullheaded, and all the time, way too sure of himself, was getting enough to eat? I surprised myself when I came up with the answer.
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I asked C.T. if I could tell him something honestly. He said, "tell me something honestly," as he was getting his "extra long chili cheese coney" ready to wolf down in two, maybe three bites. I said, "C.T., since I've known you, you have made me wish that I really had a son." He turned and gave me that big beautiful, mouth full of braces, smile. I let him get back to his meal and went back to work.
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I didn’t think too much of it as I was not sure if he really caught the significance of what I had said. I’m not completely sure if I caught the significance of what I had said. A little later he came by where I was working and said, " That comment you made; it makes me very happy." "What comment?" I asked, noncommittally, pretending to be very indifferent. He looked at me seriously and said, "about a son." I nodded, as I quickly glanced down and smiled to myself. "You make me very happy," I said, meaning it, but stupidly hoping no one else would overhear.
I didn’t think too much of it as I was not sure if he really caught the significance of what I had said. I’m not completely sure if I caught the significance of what I had said. A little later he came by where I was working and said, " That comment you made; it makes me very happy." "What comment?" I asked, noncommittally, pretending to be very indifferent. He looked at me seriously and said, "about a son." I nodded, as I quickly glanced down and smiled to myself. "You make me very happy," I said, meaning it, but stupidly hoping no one else would overhear.
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After years of going blindly along, living for myself, I've begun to see all that I have missed out on, by not having a family of my own. I’ve never really wanted children, but why am I thinking about the virtues of parenthood now? Oh my god. God! Is that you? What are you up to?
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After years of going blindly along, living for myself, I've begun to see all that I have missed out on, by not having a family of my own. I’ve never really wanted children, but why am I thinking about the virtues of parenthood now? Oh my god. God! Is that you? What are you up to?
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At the beginning of the year, I said that there would be all kinds of new challenges ahead. But I never thought that starting a family would be one of them. Now slow down, right now! I did not say I was going to start a family, but the fact that I'm thinking about it... Man, you just never know what's going to happen next.
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~ rachman
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posted by rachman | 11:39 PM
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