!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> rachman-unprecedented: In Memoriam P.G.


So what is this going to be? A little bit of everything I think. Maybe that's it. What I'm thinking. What I'm believing. I hope what I'm knowing. And why would anyone care what I think I know? There's no reason in the world that you should. But then why are you here? Cuz you have to be somewhere I suppose. I've never been here before. I may not be back. I might get too busy to care; time is short. That's fine. Nobody can deal with it all at once. There is a lot to deal with.

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Location: The Great Plains, United States

I try not to take myself too seriously, but I know I have far too much. So I'm trying to learn how to laugh again, as I had forgotted for a while there. Also I'm relearning to enjoy life; you know, like when we were kids. The biggest challenge ahead is learning how to love God with all my heart, and soul, and mind, and strength. This one is not really that hard when you know the truth. But along with it comes learning to love others as I love myself, and that one is, as they say, "a horse of a whole different color." I think I need to learn to love myself a little more, but the problem may be that I know all these facts about me. Sometimes the facts are simply wrong or they are just stuck in the past. I'm trying to get my facts to line up with the truth. As someone once asked a great man, "what is truth?" If he had only known.

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Friday, December 29, 2006

In Memoriam P.G.

I knew something was wrong when I had not received her Christmas card by the 23th. I called but only got twenty-plus rings. I thought that maybe it was a sign of something good. I knew better, but what else was there to do. I called again today and was told by a recording that the number was not a working number. As it had worked for the last twenty or more years, I got on the internet and found the obituary. I thought I was being a little hasty at first, but before I had time to change my mind and go another route, there it was.

She was one of the most loving persons I had ever known. Yet I suspect that she was also one of the loneliest. I love you P.G.

I will need to call my sister tomorrow and tell her. They were really the ones who had first become friends years ago. Some how P.G. then became part of our family. My mother thought of her as one of her own daughters. Now, I don't know what kind of response I will get from my sister, indifference I suspect, as their friendship became quite strained a long time back. I always wondered if it was because my sister was jealous of the affection shown to "the outsider." It is not really any of my business I know. I just believe that my sister will want to know so she can grieve in her own way.

She, the one who is now gone, had become like another sister to me. She always remembered my birthday and never forgot me at Christmas time. When I was younger I wondered why she always remembered. Later I think I began to realize that she truly wanted to be a part of our happy family. Perhaps any happy family. As I said she was the most loving person I had ever know, but I think that may be she was just too afraid to be a part of the world. Her fears and perhaps her circumstances kept her from having a family of her own. Once her mother was gone, and with no brothers or sisters of her own, she was truly alone. Now I will not try to make excuses for her. After all that is all done with now. But I can't keep from weeping abit at the thought that she was a terribly lonely person. Yes, I do wish I had called her a little more often.

I hope that you are at peace now, my sister. I hope that you now have all the love you longed for here on this sphere. I miss hearing your voice and your kind words. I miss your lovely face. I miss your gentle spirit, P.G.

I don't know why some people don't seem to connect, but I know that some don't. I see it in myself at times. Sometimes I'm the life of the party and other times I can't seem to open my mouth and speak. Why the differences at different times? I'm not sure. Our many little feelings of insecurity I suppose. But I know that we all need to make the most of every opportunity. If some don't work out--that's fine, as long as some of them do. Don't give up. Keep reaching out to world with love, for love.

On Mother's Day, P.G. would call me and ask if I would be agreeable to her sending my mother flowers. Of course I didn't mind. I regret that I never sent flowers, if my memory is correct, to my now long lost "sister." I suspect that she never received enough of them in life, but I now resolve to send them to my real sister who, though miles away, still needs to be reminded that I love her.

P.G. you have shown me some things I needed to know. I hope I can be as loving as you always were to me. I also promise to reach out in love and not give up or hold back, just because one person said no. They still need that love and so do I. Oh yes, and I also hope, P.G., that you now have lots of flowers.

~ rachman


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